What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
