My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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