WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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