He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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