He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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