my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
