I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
