I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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