Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
