Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
