Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
