I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
