I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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