Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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