Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
