Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
even my farts smell like vagina
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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