Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Someone came in the potted fern
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
