im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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