You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
