i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
