i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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