You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
