I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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