My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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