I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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