I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I checked into jail on foursquare
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
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