She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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