Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
