Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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