i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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