Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
