If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize