Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
