Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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