seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
