i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
