So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize