Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
