I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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