Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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