got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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