Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
