We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
