Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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