sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
