There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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