Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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