Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
