between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize