Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
