If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
