Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
