Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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