Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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