Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She bit a glass in half.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
