Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
