there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
