I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize