Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
