Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
