in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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