I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
