dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
