somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize