Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I enjoy the company of your penis
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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