im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
