I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize