you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
