I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
