you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
