I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
