It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
