why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I came so hard my ears popped.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
