Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
