she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
