Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
